Remember how when you're growing up, policeman is one of those career options beyond reproach. Like Doctor, Fireman, or Astronaut, there is no such thing as a bad policeman. After all, who else would volunteer to serve their community in this way? Catching bad guys, rescuing kittens from trees and directing traffic, the policeman in the childhood imagination is a towering superhero, with an moral compass that unerringly points North by North Justice.
Remember the first time you saw Keystone Cops? Police Academy? Oh, those bumbling fools. Hollywood and their silver screen lies. It's funny because, of course, real-life police aren't like that. Not at all. It's like seeing Frank Bruno dressed up as the Fairy Godmother, or a clown riding a very small bicycle. Funny precisely because it's so absurd.
Remember the cop from Die Hard? Chief Wiggum from The Simpsons? Those twinkie-chomping, doughnut-dunking, coffee-slurping heavy-set figures of fun? There's nothing wrong with a bit of self-indulgence is there?
Remember the first time your dreams were shattered?
My estate agent 'Auntie' Pan was no help this morning, even after I brought a bottle of wine to grease the wheels of 关系. She refused to take me to the police station and made up an absurd excuse that I needed a notice of permission from my landlord. Even after I insisted that I'd registered in Shanghai before, and that I had all the documents I needed, she persisted.
No alternative but to return to the local police station unaccompanied, fully expecting to face the same lectures about going to live in school. 10:30 in the morning was too early for Lecturing Male Cop, so I went to see Surly Female Cop instead - one of only three people present in the whole building.
"It's too late to register now. It's been too many days". My jaw hit the floor. I'd come the second weekday after I'd moved in, TWICE, and now it was too late?
"Go here, and they'll deal with you" SFC continued, scribbling an address down on a scrap of paper.
"Will they let me register?" I asked.
SFC turned back around to her writing pad. I waited... and waited.
"Thanks. Bye." I forced myself to say.
The address SFC gave me was a ten-minute taxi ride away, and the driver chain-smoked his way through three cigarettes in silence, throwing his Jetta around corners like it was dodge 'ems.
At 11:35am I stepped up to the front-desk of the district police station.
"Foreign Affairs Department, please".
Bored Male Receptionist looked up from his pork and rice.
"It's the lunch break. Noone's here. Come back at 1:30pm".
I gave my best look as if I was about to cry (because I was) and BMR's face softened.
"Look, leave your number and I'll get someone to call you as soon as they get back."
BMR rifled through a stack of papers looking for a number for five minutes before I said I'd just come back at 1:30pm.
I had a bowl of spicy beef noodles, ate a small plate of peanuts with my chopsticks one by one very slowly, then walked around a huge local WalMart to kill the time. A few minutes past 1:30pm I was standing in front of Only Good Cop who leisurely filled out a complicated registration form. I more than half-expected him to stop at any stage, and tell me that this was impossible. That I just didn't have the authority to live outside of school. But then, unexpectedly, it was all done, and he handed me my copy of the registration form.
"Can you sign this form from school too? It just says you approve of my living out". I tried pushing my luck.
"You'll have to go back to the local police station for that. It's nothing to do with us". OGC said.
Ten minutes on a white-knuckle taxi ride later, I was back in the police station. Fourth time in two weeks. SFC was surprised I'd managed to register. I showed her my registration receipt and the form from school.
"Go see, Sun Lu downstairs". SFC turned around and ignored me again.
Sun Lu turned out to be Lecturing Male Cop. I explained my situation. I'd registered now, and at the district police station no less! I was residing legally and all I needed was his signature and stamp in the little box in the school form that said police station's 意见 (view, opinion).
LMC didn't look happy that I'd gone over his head. I could see him turn over this news in his head. He resorted to lecture-mode.
"You're very special, not like a regular citizen, so I can't allow you to live outside".
"Oh, no, you don't understand. I've registered already - I've got permission, I just need you to sign the form".
"What happens if something happens to you? Without being able to speak Chinese, how would you cope?" I wondered exactly what language he assumed we were currently speaking to each other, as the lecture continued for another five minutes.
"Look. I. Just. Need. Your. 意见."
"You. Want. Our. Opinion? Impossible." LMC replied.
As I turned to leave, he reiterated the main points of his previous lecture, and threw in a few extra digs at my inability to cope with the dangers of small-town Harbin on my own.
"Fine. I'll move back into the dormitory then". I lied. "Thanks".
"Did you understand everything I said?" LMC asked, beaming.
I grunted in the affirmative, and willed his head to explode with my mind as I made my exit.
I'm a strong believer in the school of thought that anything can be turned into a positive experience. It would be too much to say I believe everything happens for a reason, because that suggests fate plays a role. As a secular humanist, I just think even the biggest head-ache should be looked at in a positive light in hindsight. So, in conclusion, a quick assessment of what I've achieved here to cheer me up.
1) Practised lots of bureaucracy-related vocabulary. Registration, permit, local and district police-station.
2) Dealt with red-tape and unbudging opposition, and reached a compromise solution. Although the school regulations haven't quite been fulfilled, the more important legal registration procedure is over with. As long as I keep my head down now, I should be alright. There's no way I'll be able to get that police station 意见 now.
3) Learned to believe everything Hollywood tells me.
4) Learned not to trust the fuzz.
Tonight I'm going for hotpot again! I'm going with Auntie Xiao and family, and maybe her crazy Russian friends too! Can't wait!
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