Harbin International Fair for Trade and Economic Cooperation

University laid on yet another free trip for us. This time, the outing was to the Harbin International Fair for Trade and Economic Cooperation, called 哈洽会 in Chinese for short. Because of its perceived complexity, participants were restricted to the so-called 'high level' classes only.

The expo is being held in the Harbin International Conference and Exhibition Center, which in turn was built inside a hotel funded by HIT, hence the free tickets.

It sounded pretty dry, and even though my degree was in Economics, I really didn't want to go. Teacher Wang Lie told us that if enough of us signed up though, classes for that day (the dreaded Culture, and the tricky Ancient Chinese classes) would be cancelled.

Even though school is 100% voluntary anyway, old habits die hard, and the offer of a day out of the classroom was a powerful draw.

Besides, there was something about the Eastern tradition of reverence for age above and beyond any and all other actual qualifications that made it almost impossible to say no to this kindly old man.

Thus it was that four Class G classmates found themselves on a rickety minivan, along with a dozen or so super-keen schoolmates.

Half an hour later, and after my efforts to get going a good round of "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round" had failed miserably, we disembarked and rushed through the scorching heat into the shiny, air-conditioned Conference Centre.

Seeing me idly snapping a couple of photos, an earnest American seated behind me offered to help out in broken Chinese. Something in his tone struck me as patronising though, so I engaged him in conversation in my best RP English in a petty attempt to surprise and embarrass him.

He and his Canadian friend helped confirm all the worst stereotypes of 老外, 'old outsiders' or foreigners, in China. Namely, they were directionless slackers, happily stuck in futureless jobs teaching English, who enjoyed nothing more than sleazing on local women in shoddy bars filled with like-minded 老外 and ropy women looking for a green card.

I avoided further conversation with the pair by pretening to be absorbed in the information packs we'd been given - a series of hefty manuals filled with facts and figures about the three provinces that make up Dongbei.

Suddenly, and without any fanfare, the show began. The master of ceremonies gave a brief overview of the day's program then introduced the first of three speakers. Each speaker gave a near-identical PowerPoint presentation concerning his respective province's favourable economic environment, reciting dry statistics and flashing up slides with even drier charts and graphs. There were no entertaining anecdotes, no attempts at humour, and no effort to undermine the two rival provinces with any unfavourable comparisons.

I stared longingly at the vast stage and hoped against hope that this was all an elaborate attempt to lull us into a gentle stupor before the real show began, that a troupe of breakdancers would soon appear and flail across the obscenely under-used stage in a celebration of athleticism and hip-hop.

To pass the time I tuned into the provided headsets which provided on-the-fly translations into Russian and English.

"Very impressive indeed!" I marveled at the speed and accuracy, until a choice phrase jogged something in my memory. I flicked back through our information packs and found a word-for-word rendition of the representative's speech.

"Hmph! Even I could do that!"